By Michelle Theall $24.99; Gallery Books; 273 pages
What is it about a memoir that is often so compelling?
An account of a real person's life journey, recounted with considerable writing talent and courage, can convey more punch ( because it is real? contemporary and therefore more relevant? ) than a well-crafted fiction tale.
Theall's memoir is a prime example. She writes about her struggle for acceptance of her chosen family ( partner Jill and their son Connor ) by the Catholic Church and by her own parents. An award-winning professional writer, she records her story with skill and humor. Since much of her truth has its roots in her childhood, she interweaves chapters of growing up in Bible-Belt Texas with chapters that focus on her adult struggles.
She is painfully honest in doing so. Theall was raised in a small nuclear family consisting of her sister Kathy and her parents, all faithful, practicing Catholics. She was a lonely child and found purpose in running on the track team at school until she was kicked out of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and outed for being gay ( before she knew she was ).
Rationalizing about her daughter wanting to compete in sports, her mom told her dad that Michelle wasn't that good and if she lost enough times, maybe she'd lose interest. To which Theall replied, "Nice. My own mother wants me to lose."
As a young adult, Theall struggled to identify her sexuality. She experimented by dating men until she was certain the hetero life was not for her. Violated by a neighbor as a child, she read a self-help book and attended a support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. She confronted her abuser. She told her parents she was gay. While Theall herself wrestled with all this, her parents, too, began a long and painful journey to process and accept their daughter's sexuality and chosen lifestyle.
Theall then entered a new period in her life. She quit her job and moved to Boulder, Colo., where she met her partner Jill. They adopted Connor and, their son nearly four, began the steps that would lead to his baptism into the Catholic faith. Theall thought she had her bases covered, checking with the baptismal director in her parish, who assured her the fact Connor had two mommies was not an issue. Father Bill started waffling, however. "We want our son to know God," Theall told him. "How can that be a bad thing?"
After the baptism, Theall was shocked to learn from another lesbian mom that the event wasn't what she thought. Instead, it had been a "closet baptism." Father Bill had set the time for late in the day so it wouldn't occur at a regular mass where the other parishioners would know.
Theall eventually confronted Father Bill: "Connor doesn't need to prove himself worthy of the Church. The Church needs to prove itself worthy of him." Yet, it did not. She and Jill finally left the Catholic Church in search of a religious community that would embrace their family. She remained tormented, though, and was brutally honest with herself. "Why can't I make peace with it [the decision to leave her faith]? Why do I want to go back?" A part of her, she knew, "… still believes that a church that accepts gay people isn't much of a church at all."
Theall knew she needed to stand up for her son and put to bed her shame of long standing. Part of her struggle in putting her story to paper was the fear that, in order to be a good mother, she might have to be a bad daughter and risk losing the love of her parents for good. Additionally, there was the strain caused by her mother's inability to fully accept Jill as Theall's partner and Connor's mom.
Theall finally realized she was betraying herself by remaining silent about the hypocrisy she experienced in her parish. She contacted a reporter and thus began her journey that eventually resulted in this memoir. She also made a final stand with her mother about accepting her family with Jill and Connor.
If you like to enfold yourself for a brief time in the lives of others who struggle against prejudice and for self-acceptance, and who tackle all of this with clarity, humor, and great honesty, you will find this book worthwhile. Michelle Theall teaches writing and photography. She won a GLAAD Media Award nomination in 2011 for an essay that inspired this memoir. She founded Women's Adventure magazine.
Theall lives with her partner, their son, and three dogs in Boulder.