By Elaine Soloway, $16.95; She Writes Press; 222 pages
You know, the market is inundated with memoirs of all stripes.
In my short time at Windy City Times, I have read several. Nearly all of them left me feeling underwhelmed and, frankly, wondering why anyone actually cared about the author's life story. A memoir should connect you with the author. The point of memoir writing is empathy and compassion. In this modern world of "haters gonna hate" psychology, more writers than notmany of whom are dreadful peoplethink you should read their life story and not have a tinge of judgment. Who the hell are they kidding?
Elaine Soloway's story is simple. It is fresh. It is the kind of story of love and living that nearly all people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race or religion can connect with, and I loved it. Soloway contends with her husband, Tommy, who was diagnosed with an incurable degenerative brain disease and, later, terminal throat cancer. The book follows Soloway from her role as devoted partner to unflappable caregiver and her life after loss.
I almost feel cheap reviewing this memoir. Who am I to judge the story of a woman whose life I know nothing about and whose writing is far superior to anything I have read in months? But judge I must, since it's what I get paid to do.
I knew the book was a knockout within the opening chapter and knew the book would remain in my possession forever when I openly wept on the Red Line train as Soloway recounted her commitment to her dying husband and what it meant to her to have met the love of her life and then lose himall in the span of 15 years. The book is not directed toward the LGBT reader, but how can anyone, of any sexual orientation, not find an immediate connection with this woman? From the moment she met her neighbor Tommy until he gives his last breath, there is no doubt of Soloway's love and what is truly meant by "in sickness and in health." ( Note: If you do need an LGBT connection, Soloway's daughter, Jill, created the Netflix series Transparent after discovering her father, who is Elaine's first husband, is transgender. )
Perhaps as a single guy, Soloway's story is one I envyyes, envy. She may have lost the man but she has never lost his spirit; she makes that abundantly clear through her prose. She also reminds us that love is a very long road and one that begins and ends in ways that we have no right to judge or to even self-determine. She fell in love with a man who was her opposite and not even her "type"a buzzword the Scruff, Grindr and Tinder crowd just adore. And this manwho was not her type and not her "95% match" and not rich and not perfectwas her best friend and a man whose love lives on after his passing. You cannot help but hope to have a love like this after reading Soloways own words.
Will I or you or any of us find "the one?" I don't know. I can tell you, though, that after knowing just a bit about Soloway's "one" and her life with him, that being open-minded and always being brave enough to welcome pain with pleasure and the bad with the good are the only ways to a fulfilling love that will continue. Tommy may not be leaving his love random notes but he will live on longer than many of usin Soloway's memorythat she has been gracious enough to share.
Grab the tissues. You're going to need them.