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Vicky Nabors BLACK FEMME LOVERS?
by Vicky Nabors
2005-08-01

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Do you think it's possible that a Black femme-to-femme relationship can have staying power of five-plus years? There's been lots of conversation on this topic recently, so here's my studly perspective on the issue, supported by arguments.

Black femme-to-femme relationships will only last as long as the fantasy does; and we all know once a fantasy becomes a reality it eventually will end. Before I go into the defense of my position, let me first define what I mean by femme-to-femme relationships. Eliminate the femmes who dress down in butch/stud attire only when she's socializing in a lesbian/gay environment; i.e. playing the part. And, eliminate those undefined femmes who prefer to identify as womyn-lovin-womyn. In the type of relationship that I'm talking about, both partners live their everyday lives as unmistakable ladies ( even divas ) . Their behaviors mirror what society dictates to be lady-like behaviors, including: mannerisms, attire, body language, grooming, etc. More than likely, one will be more aggressive than the other, and may even convey some subtle tomboi behaviors on occasion, still she's a lady. I'm only talking about Black lesbian relationships, because culture plays an important part in how we subconsciously chose long-term partners. Now, let me defend my position.

First, once the honeymoon period ends and the real relationship begins, any type of disagreement between the lovers will eventually move from a mutual compromise to emotional outbursts. Research has proven that most wimyn operate from emotion first and logical reasoning second. Of course there's always the exception. On the other hand, since 'true' Black butch/studs think from and are influenced by the male perspective, they tend to operate from a logical mode more than an emotional one. This instantly provides an important balance between the partners to deal with conflict: the butch/stud's, logical reasoning and the femme's, emotional reasoning.

Additionally, since the butch/stud values the delicate essence of her femme lover, she'll attempt to resolve any problems in this order: agree with her wife ( even if she doesn't agree ) , refuse to discuss the matter any further and blow it off, or demand that her wife shut-up and drop it because she's trippin! The first example is used most often as a significant way to defuse conflict; she'll say, 'Yes dear!' 'It's cool babe, what ever you want is fine.' The butch/stud will attempt to concede because most of the time, the issue isn't as important as risking the couch, or a sex strike ( logical reasoning ) .

Second, Black females are pre-conditioned by our culture to seek strong spouses to protect, and even provider for her. An aggressive femme may think she's tough, she'll talk-the-talk, but will she honestly man-up in 'any situation' to protect her lover? On the other hand, femmes who are with butch/studs always feel safe knowing that her crazy male-orientated companion will protect her.

The final arguments represent feedback from sistahs; femmes may fight over bathroom/ mirror time, accessories, clothing, shoes, etc. They may be needy, and even selfish in returning affection consistently to her partner ( she loves being pampered ) . But, these problems are non-existent in femme—butch/stud relationships because: the butch/studs can exit out of a small suitcase, loves being needed by her wife, and will not instantly trip if her needs are not met consistently.

So, there you have it, my arguments on why femme relationships don't have the long-term staying power that femme—butch/stud relationships do; what's your take on this subject?

vickynabors@hotmail.com


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