He sat in his car for an hour, perhaps longer, that day in 2009 when he learned he was HIV-positive. Anthony T. Sivanthaphanith was 24 at the time and to say he was depressed would be an understatement. He just kept thinking about how he could let this happen to himself through unprotected sex.
Sivanthaphanith was going to the doctor for a regular check-up when his doctor asked to also take tests for HIV and STDs. "I really didn't think twice about it, but, about a week later, the doctors called and said they wanted to talk about something," Sivanthaphanith said. "I was quite scared because I could just feel what it was about.
"I was hard on myself; I thought I deserved this for being careless," Sivanthaphanith said. "My boyfriend at the time left me when I told him. He said he was angry at me and that was probably the hardest part."
Sivanthaphanith also stopped talking to a lot of people because he was scared of what they would say.
"I also got angry, angry for being so stupid and not protecting myselfand I still get that way sometimes," Sivanthaphanith said. "I burned many bridges and friendships. I am now working on rebuilding those."
Partial credit goes to the popular, AIDS-related musical Rent.
"A friend wanted [ me ] to watch Rent. Then all of the sudden I could relate," Sivanthaphanith said. "Before [ watching Rent ] , I didn't really understand. I had all their feelings, I listened carefully and even looked up words and lyrics and found good meaning behind them.
"They say a lot of things about how you need to live for today and not feel sorry. So I simply stopped and began working on me and failed many times before I figured it out."
Sivanthaphanith, now 26, lives in Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood and is a graduate student. He also is competing in the annual Chicago Triathlon through the Team To End AIDS, the endurance-training program run by the AIDS Foundation of Chicago ( AFC ) . He has been participating in triathlons for about two years. "I got started [ in triathlons ] in Iowa, when one of my co-workers challenged me to do one. Ever since, I have been addicted to them.
"Triathlons started off to feed my competitive side, but now I'm doing it not only for my health but also as a challenge to myself both physically and with raising money for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago. I want people to see that I'm not dying, that I'm living.
"My main goal this year is to raise as much money [ as possible ] for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago and to finish the race in three hours or less."
"At that exact moment [ when the doctor revealed my HIV status ] , I was nervous and frustrated. To this day, I'm still a little nervous and excited to share how I feel; it's something I've always wanted to do, but haven't yet. My mind is running with things I want to say and say [ properly ] . I'm frustrated with the fact that some things have held me back like my new bike being stolen and people still don't understand. But I won't let it bring me down.
"The past two years have been an up and down battle. I found out [ I was HIV-positive ] when I was 24. I was still learning about who I was [ at that age ] and what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then life threw me a curveball. I was pretty down on my luck for about the first year or so [ after the diagnosis ] and was just mad and depressed.
"I had many thoughts of suicide.
"But since then, things have looked up and I have many more good days than bad, but sometimes reality sets in."
Sivanthaphanith said his motivation these days is to just help fight this disease, "and look at it straight in the face and say you don't own me; I own me.
"I have a big heart and I want to share that with everyone, whether they have HIV/AIDS or not. I also want to educate, to help others.
"I'm living, not dying from this disease. Everyone is dying, but not everyone is living. I tell everyone just to live, take advantage of your opportunities, get the help you need, follow your body and mind. I tell myself and others that this [ disease ] is a part of who I am, that it doesn't change who I have been for the past 26 years of my life."
Sivanthaphanith said his parents learned of his HIV status from someone elsenot from their sonand that's one of the biggest challenges he's had to endure.
"I was not ready for them to hear about this [ diagnosis ] at the time," he said. "Since then, my parents have been pretty distant from me, rarely talking, picking up calls or even wanting to touch me at one point. They are still there for me, but simply do not understand the disease."