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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2010-12-22

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"My feeling about John [ Travolta ] has always been that we know and we don't care. Look, I'm sorry that he's uncomfortable with it, and that's all I can say. It only draws more attention to it when you make that kind of legal fuss. Just leave it be."—Carrie Fisher defends her statement to The Advocate that "We don't really care that John Travolta is gay." I dunno about Carrie, but I cared a little—back when he was hot, that is.

Last week, I was on a plane watching Mariah Carey: Merry Christmas to You. I'm thrilled that pregnancy has not deterred Mariah from wearing those anatomy-revealing ensembles. It may have been an early Christmas miracle winching Carey into any dress with a single-digit size—I suspect a number of elves ( and perhaps the jaws of life ) were needed to achieve this feat. I'm not sure how far along she is, but I believe when she hit the high note on "O Holy Night," I saw the baby crowning! Days later, it was announced that she's having twins. Maybe that's what she was smuggling under the front of her dress.

Like Mariah's legs, celebrity couples are having a helluva time staying together. Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson—done. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens—split. Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter—kaput. Anna Friel and David Thewlis—over. Dylan Walsh and Joanna Going—going, gone. Let's recap. One of the guys is dating an ex. Two of them are clearly gay. Another is a little indiscriminate with his seed. And the other—eh, who cares. Correctly match the couple in column A with the cause in column B and win ... well, satisfaction.

After seeing The Social Network, many of you wrote me wanting to know about the hunky twins. By now it's pretty well known that the twins were actually played by a single actor—Armie Hammer. We're told that Armie has just been cast as Clyde Tolson, the protégé and romantic partner of J. Edgar Hoover in the upcoming flick J. Edgar. When asked how his wife feels about the role, Hammer laughed, saying, "She's just happy I'm not kissing another woman!" And what does Armie think about his love interest being played by Leonardo DiCaprio? "Somewhere, deep down inside it was something I always hoped for." You and me both.

Didya hear about James Franco and male prostitutes? Back when Franco was preparing to play a hooker in Sonny, he wanted to watch some real male prostitutes at work for research ... ah, the things I've done in the name of "research." He claims to have followed the guy on an actual "call": "It went down. Everything went down, as you see in the movies and hear about. The eerie thing is, it was like a movie, but it wasn't a movie—it was the real thing, happening in front of me." If I had a nickel for every time I've said that...

What if I told you Bea Arthur had a secret she took to the grave? Documents have surfaced indicating that for 30 months, Arthur was a Women's Reserve Marine who was a typist and drove trucks! I'm shocked—she was a woman? Anyway, at her personality appraisal, she was deemed to have excellent vocabulary, was argumentative, and over-aggressive ( perhaps in a masculine kinda way ... but who am I to judge? ) . The overall evaluation called her "a good worker—if she has her own way!" By the time of her honorable discharge ( long before DADT ) , she was a staff sergeant. The only real embarrassing part is that she was out of work for five weeks "after contracting a venereal disease." What did I tell you? Even tops are at risk!

Picture it—Chris Rock serving Mariska Hargitay breakfast in bed ... in the nude! The Children's Defense Fund held its annual benefit in NYC and auctioneer Ali Wentworth was unable to get a high bid for Rock's package, so to speak. ( I suppose her hubby George was too shy to bid on it himself. ) With the blessing of Chris' wife ( who is on the board ) , Ali threw in that Chris would be nude, and up popped Mariska's hand. I guess Chris Rock servicing you in the nude is worth $25 grand. At least at my house, the camera equipment is already set up.

This ties in perfectly with our "Ask Billy" question. Gary in Boston asks: "I just saw a video of Brendon from 'Big Brother 12' apologizing for having an online cyber-indiscretion. What the hell does that mean? And where are the photos? He's frickin' gorgeous!"

I love my fellow Bostonians—we know exactly the right context for frickin'! Brendon was on Big Brother this past summer. The sexy swim coach developed a relationship with another contestant, Rachel, which resulted in some risqué bulging underwear shots, which we'll also post. Since then, he apparently continued seeing Rachel, but had some sort of a relationship with another chick named Molly. To prove her point, Molly posted the nude photos of Brendon, which Rachel apparently recognized. Brendon went public with his crying apology and claimed it was only a cyber-affair. Molly counters that they did have sex—"He denies it and I am not proud of it, but yes, only once. I don't want to go into the details." She may not, but I'm happy to share some details with you. Like every inch of his cock, from various angles. And all for you at BillyMasters.com .

Since it's too late to make another gift suggestion, I'm going to give you the gift of laughter. I got quite a chuckle out of watching a troupe of four shirtless male acrobats in tight white pants performing in front of Pope Benedict and a mixed assortment of holy men. It's rather amusing seeing these celibate fellows, fiddling underneath their vestments, their minds wandering back to the rectory. It sure as hell beats the crazy lady tackling the pope last Christmas Eve. Or does it? Be of good cheer and check it out on BillyMasters.com .

When the Vatican is hiring male strippers for midnight mass, it's definitely time to end yet another column. With Christmas upon us ( to say nothing of Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and the winter solstice for my Druid readers ) , let me say happy holidays to you and yours—which is much more festive than the traditional Boston greeting: "Up yours." Of course, www.BillyMasters.com never takes a holiday, so be sure to check it out for the latest breaking news. If you have a question, feel free to drop me a note at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Mariska orders for some breakfast sausage! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


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