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Pretzel Logic
by David J. Magdziarz

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Everyone has one. Everyone has dated one. And it's time for me to make one out of myself by shining a light on part of an area that the sun normally never sees.

Where There's A Will,

There's A Gay

One definition of 'anus' that I found online said that it 'is only open during the expulsion of feces, because it is usually kept closed by sphincter muscles, which can be relaxed at will.' They obviously forgot the 'Halsted Street Exception' to that rule.

Holy Asshole

If you go to, the American Nihilist Underground Society (A.N.U.S.) has a web page that shows an extreme close-up of a person's rear end, with two hands opening the anus very widely. Inside the asshole there has been pasted an illustration of Jesus with a dollar sign drawn on His forehead. I think it's time for someone to switch to decaff.

Unholy Anus

At the council of Nicacea in A.D. 325, an Arian heretic by the name of Anus was condemned by both St. Alexander of Alexandria and St. Alexander of Constantinople. In 336 Anus was sponsored by the Emperor Constantine to be received into the Church. Distressed at this situation, Alexander of Constantinople prayed that either he or Anus be removed from the scene. Anus died suddenly. I guess he was shit out of luck.

Sex Pigs Reincarnate As Birds

Birds excrete both uric acid (waste from their bloodstream) and their intestinal waste through their 'cloaca,' which has been described as a 'multi-purpose hole.'

Anal Sex For The Birds

Birds have sex by putting their cloacas together.

Sticky Situation

According to, virtually everyone has pinworms, small nematodes that live in the colon, with the females emerging from the anus at night to lay their eggs. The Web site says you can find out if you have pinworms by asking 'someone to gently touch around your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be able to see them.' Be suspicious if the guy is wearing the role of tape like a cock ring.

Breaking And Entering

The same Web site defines a 'Turd Burglar' as someone in a public lavatory 'who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open.' In Boystown he'd be called a 'Trick.'

Hot Time In The Old Town

About one-quarter of the people who ignite their farts get burned from the flames.

One For The Ladies

The Smellypoop site also says that it is possible for women to fart from their vaginas, the gas causing the female frontal fart being air that got trapped inside. The Web site also says that the 'air can enter because the system is open to the outside,' and that 'this highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef.' I'm going to have to take their word on this one.

Tunnel Of Love

In Chicago just last month, the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation displayed an 'incredibly lifelike 40-foot-long, four-foot-tall crawl-through replica of the human colon.' I did not get to see it, but I am sure it was a moving experience.

If you have a 40-foot-long, 4-foot high colon, e-mail me at .

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